Moynihan Fires 50 Accountants

Yesterday, another confusing action was carried out by Bank of America's CEO Brian Moynihan.

Moynihan reportedly had a conference with the top 100 accountants at the bank.

One accountant that was present gave the following information:

• First, Mr. Moynihan praised us for our hard work during the last quarter. He seemed very happy with the revenue numbers and that the bank had topped Wells Fargo. But then he started getting angry. 

• He said that we made him look like a fool because BAC didn't top Wells Fargo in Net Income. He stated, "I gave all you b*tches 100 new pencils and erasers. You knew the number that you had to beat. The costs for those pencils and erasers are coming out of every single one of your da*n salaries."

• Moynihan was angry because the treasure that Bank of America stole from Greece was not included in the earnings report. He claimed that BAC  got $302.67 selling the sh*t on Ebay. An accountant tried to explain to him that you couldn't legally put profits from stolen goods in the earnings report. Moynihan said that was bullsh*t.

• We knew about the pledge that Moynihan had made. He said that he would fire 100 accountants if BAC didn't report better numbers than Wells Fargo. One accountant argued that BAC did beat Wells Fargo and he gave a very convincing argument.

• Moynihan argued that he was in an awkward position. On one hand, BAC did beat Wells Fargo. But on the other hand, the accountants f*cked up his chart by having lower net income.

• Moynihan decided that he would not fire 100 accountants. He would only fire 50 of us. He made us put our ID badges in a hat. He then drew 50 names to be fired. It was horrible.