Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The Streak Continues (June 2015)





STATS: June 2015

Initial Price:    $16.50
Ending Price:  $17.02

Percent Gain: 3.2%







The streak continues. Three months of gains. Bank of America has appreciated 10.6% in the past three months. 







The Moynihan Pledge - $19.68 or Bust!

 Can't wait till July 15th. 






White House Condemns Illegal Invasion



President Obama was forced to address the international incident caused by Bank of America in Greece. The president was visibly angry and irritated.

Excerpts from President Obama's speech


  • Bank of America has not went to war against Greece. No American company or private citizen has the authority to invade or declare war against another country. 

  • Bank of America has caused an international incident due to their inability to make wise decisions.

  • I applaud the Board of Directors for condemning their own company's invasion of Greece.

  • From what I have been told, Bank of America employees are running around Greece and stealing sh*t. You can't do that. You can't run around a sovereign nation taking things that don't belong to you.

  • I have one message for Brian Moynihan. Stop! Just stop! Damn it, stop! I don't have time to be dealing with this sh*t. Don't make me send the Secret Service to your "undisclosed location". We know where you are. Undisclosed Location is the name of a bar/dance club in Arizona. Dick Cheney was a regular.





Moynihan Demands Greek Unconditional Surrender



Rumors are swirling that Greece may surrender to Bank of America. The war has taken a drastic toll on the Greek people.


The Greek Prime Minister was visibly shaken after receiving a collect call from Brian Moynihan.

Bank of America chief executive Brian Moynihan claims that victory is near. He released another picture showing items that have been stolen from Greece by the BAC Army. Moynihan claims that Bank of America has six other storage facilities filled with Greek treasures.



Moynihan spoke highly of the work done by his employees and their ability to evade the Greek authorities. He stated, "Not one of our boys has been apprehended by Greek law enforcement. God Bless America."




The Pledge




Monday, June 29, 2015

GRECO-BAC WAR (2015)



Causes of the War
  • Greece owed Bank of America $65.35
  • Greece missed its minimum payment of $12.
  • Bank of America charged Greece a $25 late fee.
  • Greece threatened to never send Bank of America another dime.
  • Bank of America invaded Greece 

Bank of America's Objectives

  • Protect shareholder value
  • Force Greece to pay their debt of $90.35

What we know so far

  • Bank of America has invaded Greece with an undisclosed amount of soldiers. (5 to 15 employees)

Brian Moynihan, the CEO over the company, released a quick video message from an undisclosed location. He claimed the war is going well and showed pictures of items that the BAC army has stolen from the Greek people. For example:




The nation of Greece and most of the world has condemned Bank of America's actions. 

World Reaction

  • Greece - Who are these lunatic Americans running around our country stealing our sh*t?
  • United Nations - declared the invasion illegal and criminal.
  • Germany - Moynihan beat us to the punch. Damn him.
  • Obama Administration - Are you serious? I thought you were joking. What the hell is wrong with that company? Why can't they act like Wells Fargo? 

Bank of America Board of Directors

The board called an emergency meeting to discuss the new crisis that Brian has started. 

The board of directors voted 10-2 to condemn their company's invasion of Greece. Moynihan was not present to vote. 


Sharon Allen, a member of the board, told the media that she voted against the invasion. "Moynihan spent $368 million on preparations for the invasion. How do you spend that amount of money over a $90 bill? How do you justify that?"




Thomas May, a member of the board, voted to support the invasion and Moynihan. He released the following statement to the press.

"I know it sounds crazy to spend $368 million to invade Greece in order to collect a $90 debt. But is it really crazy? Moynihan has proven the skeptics wrong everytime. I trust his vision and judgement. Moynihan didn't buy Countrywide. Now, that was crazy. Invading Greece seems very sane when compared to that decision."


Greece Invasion Stats

Before Invasion: $17.41
After Invasion:    $16.89

Percent Loss:        3%

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Moynihan Calls For Invasion Of Greece



General Moynihan has called an emergency war council meeting to deal with the growing Greek threat.

Moynihan claims that Greece owes Bank of America $62.35 The general stated, "I will protect shareholder value."

Moynihan ordered the mobilization of BAC's air force and ground units.



Moynihan vowed to beat the Germans into Greece. He stated, "The Germans are fast. Didn't we learn anything from World War II? They used that blitzkreig crap and took most of Europe before the world could even react. My last name isn't Roosevelt. We must seize the good sh*t in Greece before their tanks start rolling."



There seemed to be some confusion during the meeting. General Moynihan was under the impression that Greece was near Alabama. Luckily, a staff member found a world map.


Moynihan ordered all top executives at the company to watch the movies "Troy" and "300".

The general explained, "We must understand our enemy and see how he thinks if we hope to defeat him and steal his stuff."


Greece Invasion Stats

Before Invasion: $17.41
After Invasion:    ??????

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Birth of the Streak (May 2015)



Bank of America's stock appreciated in value for a second consecutive month. General Moynihan was quick to take credit for the unprecedented achievement in 2015.

Excerpt from Moynihan's comments

"Two is a special number. It is greater than one.

I have two eyes.

I have two ears.

I have two arms.

I have two legs.

I have two feet.

I have two testicles. And I am pretty sure that they are bigger than yours.

I have two butt cheeks. Wall Street can kiss both of them.

I have delivered two solid months of gains. This company is on a streak. The younger people probably don't know about the importance of streaking. Back during the 1970's, we believed in streaking, but it went out of style.

Well, styles have a habit of coming back. I have brought profits back in style at this company. I have brought stock appreciation back to this company. And now I shall bring streaking back to pay homage to our achievements."

(Note: Moynihan then proceeded to remove his clothing and ran two laps around the room while the song "Celebration", by Kool and the Gang, blared from the speakers.)



Lionel Nowell, III, a member of the board, appeared to be suffering from shock as Moynihan galloped around the room. Afterwards, Nowell released the following statement to the press:

"I still don't know what the hell happened. I was not prepared for it. We didn't do sh*t like that at Pepsi. The man literally removed his clothing and ran around the room. He didn't even have a tan. I tried not to look, but I saw his junk bouncing up and down. I will never get that image out of my head."





STATS: May 2015

Initial Price:    $15.93
Ending Price:  $16.50

Percent Gain: 3.6%