The Golden Child

Making America Great Again

How do you know when the banks are back strong? Ask your local cocaine dealer and escort service how business has been lately. 

"I thought that I was the only one that knew to do that. They don't put that in the textbook."

Report from the Streets 

"Since Trump got elected, we can't keep product in stock. It's a madhouse out here. New cars and prostitutes as far as the eye can see. I would highly recommend bank stocks right now."

When the Impossible becomes Possible

It seems like the entire planet has gone crazy this past week. Bank of America's stock value has increased and Donald J. Trump has done the impossible and won the Election of 2016.

Trump (red) proved the media wrong by taking Florida, Ohio, and North Carolina. The shock of the election is when Trump conquered Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan. The political establishment was in pure chaos.

Brian Moynihan, the CEO over Bank of America, wasted no time in congratulating President-elect Trump. Moynihan apologized for supporting Hillary Clinton and vowed to rally behind  the new President. "We made a mistake. We thought the witch was going to win. I promise you that I will never listen to those idiots in the media again."

Mr. Moynihan stated, "Bank of America will always be on the winning side. Even if we have to change sides during the contest or after."

The press badgered Moynihan to make a statement about Bank of America's skyrocketing stock price.

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug,"muttered Moynihan as he walked away.

Now what does that mean?

Sinners

Janet

Love Bites

 BAC stock increased over three percent today and the rumor mill is swirling.


The Gossip

Brian and Janet have apparently made up after the inappropriate phone calls. According to sources, Mr. Moynihan  met up with Mrs. Yellen at his office in Boston.


The couple were spotted together by a janitor as he was returning his cleaning supplies to a closet.

Mr. Lamont said that he heard strange noises coming from the closet.

"I just stood there and listened for a minute; I didn't know what the hell was going on. I though some damn teenagers were in my supply closet playing that Pokemon crap. I jerked the door open and I saw both of them nasty bastards going at it like two old goats."

Phonegate

Fed Chair Janet Yellen is furious at Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan.

Mrs. Yellen has accused Moynihan of harassment. According to the Fed Chair, Mr. Moynihan has repeatedly called her on the phone and engaged in inappropriate behavior.

"Usually, he just breathes heavy and doesn't say anything. The final straw came when he begged me to talk dirty to him. He wanted to hear how far I could get interest rates to rise. The man is sick."

Mr. Moynihan has denied any involvement in these calls. "How does she know it was me? It could have been anybody with a phone. I don't have time for this sh*t. I have a billion dollar company to run into the ground. Get the hell out of my office!"

According to Yellen, she has caller ID and Brian's name is right there on the phone."Is the man a complete moron?"

 The Fed Chair had one final message for Brian. "You tell that a**hole, I will raise interest rates when hell freezes over!"

Interest Rates Not Coming