The Streak Continues (July 2015)

STATS: July 2015

Initial Price:    $17.02
Ending Price:  $17.88

Percent Gain: 5.1%


The Streak - Four positive months in a row. 

Wells Fargo CEO Demands Recount

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf was furious that Bank of America reported higher revenues than his company in the second quarter of 2015.

Stumpf claimed that Wells Fargo is the undisputed golden child of American banking. He is calling on Wall Street to refuse to accept Bank of America's revenue numbers. Stumpf stated, "Bank of America must never forget that they are the red headed step children in this family."

The Wells Fargo CEO  denied that he got his ass whooped in a bar room brawl with Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan. Stumpf claimed that his injuries came from an accident in his home. He said, "I was reading my Bible and fell down the stairs."

(2015) Second Quarter Results

Bank of America reported $5.3 billion in profits. The announcement sent shock waves around the globe. Wall Street wasted no time in denouncing Bank of America for its acquisition of such a large sum of money.

 Excerpt from Moynihan's Speech

"The Age of Litigation is Over. Under my leadership, this institution has made $8.7 billion in 2015.  I dedicate each dollar of profit to all the f*ckers out there that never believed in Bank of America. Each one of you can kiss my ass."

Flashback 2013

Bank of America vs. Vanguard Total Stock Market ETF (VTI)

This is why I keep my own records. The talking heads are full of sh*t.

Moynihan Fires 50 Accountants

Yesterday, another confusing action was carried out by Bank of America's CEO Brian Moynihan.

Moynihan reportedly had a conference with the top 100 accountants at the bank.

One accountant that was present gave the following information:

• First, Mr. Moynihan praised us for our hard work during the last quarter. He seemed very happy with the revenue numbers and that the bank had topped Wells Fargo. But then he started getting angry. 

• He said that we made him look like a fool because BAC didn't top Wells Fargo in Net Income. He stated, "I gave all you b*tches 100 new pencils and erasers. You knew the number that you had to beat. The costs for those pencils and erasers are coming out of every single one of your da*n salaries."

• Moynihan was angry because the treasure that Bank of America stole from Greece was not included in the earnings report. He claimed that BAC  got $302.67 selling the sh*t on Ebay. An accountant tried to explain to him that you couldn't legally put profits from stolen goods in the earnings report. Moynihan said that was bullsh*t.

• We knew about the pledge that Moynihan had made. He said that he would fire 100 accountants if BAC didn't report better numbers than Wells Fargo. One accountant argued that BAC did beat Wells Fargo and he gave a very convincing argument.

• Moynihan argued that he was in an awkward position. On one hand, BAC did beat Wells Fargo. But on the other hand, the accountants f*cked up his chart by having lower net income.

• Moynihan decided that he would not fire 100 accountants. He would only fire 50 of us. He made us put our ID badges in a hat. He then drew 50 names to be fired. It was horrible. 

It's a Knockout! BAC Wins Title!

The Bank of America Parable

I have created the following parable to help explain why the second quarter results are so important.

The Bank of America Parable

You went out drinking one night with Ken Lewis. You got plastered and met a woman named Countrywide. At the end of the evening, you invited her back to your place. This is what you took home.

When you woke up the next morning, you could not find the girl that you took home. This is who you actually woke up beside.

Ms. Countrywide was not a very nice girl. She had a horrible personality. She seemed nicer when you were drunk. You explain to her that maybe last night was a mistake and she needs to get the hell out of your house.

About three months later, you receive a phone call from Ms. Countrywide. She tells you that she is pregnant.

She takes you to court and wins a child support judgement. You have to pay child support for the next 18 years. This is going to take a large percentage of your take home pay.

In April of 2015, that little baby turned 18. Do you know what that means? No more sending a check to Ms. Countrywide.

Now, think of all that extra money you will have that can be spent on beer, escorts, and books. 

Just do all of them. You have the money now!

Can you guess which sin is Brian's favorite? 

I hope this story helped to explain why tomorrow is important. Why can't the talking heads explain things like this?

Flashback Second Quarter 2014

Comments

•  Bank of America spent $4 billion on litigation expenses. ($0.22 per share)

•  The talking heads will be looking for anything negative tomorrow.  They are praying for lower   revenues. (does not even matter) Focus  on Net Income!!!! 

•  The major litigation is now over. Those $4 billion (and that is not chump change class) dollars  will not be going to someone else's pocket. 

• This cash is where our future dividends and buybacks are coming from. All that interest rate talk does not really matter. Show me the money! The cash is what matters. The cash right now in your hands. That is our cash as stockholders in this company. (and it is billions)

• Moynihan has vowed that Bank of America made more money than the golden child known as Wells Fargo. If this happens, let the middle fingers fly and salute the talking heads! The talking heads will not say it, but they know that would be a f*cking game changing event.

• I am not a trader. I do not think like a trader. I am an investor. Buy and hold to the core. I am holding BAC for years. The stock may fall tomorrow. I fully expect that to happen. But I don't care. I know this is a wise investment that will eventually pay off in the future. I just have to wait and trust Mr. Moynihan to do his job. 

Bank of America Vows to Crush Wells Fargo

Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan has vowed that his company will beat Wells Fargo's numbers tomorrow.

Wells Fargo reported revenues of $21.3 billion for the second quarter of 2015.

Moynihan stated, "If we didn't make more money than those bastards at Wells Fargo, I will personally fire one hundred employees from accounting."

"I am tired of my bank being treated like a second class citizen. Wells Fargo is not even an American Bank. I love America. I was born here. Wells Fargo is a German Bank. They hate America. They hate Bank of America. And they really hate me," explained Moynihan.

Moynihan then claimed that John Stumpf, the CEO of Wells Fargo, is actually related to Adolf Hitler. "What kind of name is Stumpf? Who puts an "F" after a "P"? That is not an American name. After World War II, lots of them Nazis came to America and changed their names. I understand if you are hesitant to believe this.  I am a man of science and reason. I would not make such accusations without having evidence. I have photos, said Moynihan. Only a blind man could deny the similarities."

"I am 32% certain that John Stumpf is related to Adolf Hitler," said Moynihan.

Who can argue with numbers like that?

Moynihan Claims Wells Fargo Not American Bank

Bank Brawl

It seems that Bank of America cannot stay out of the news.

Rumors are swirling that a brawl broke out between Bank of America and Wells Fargo employees at a local bar in Charlotte, N.C.

Witnesses claim that John Stumpf, the CEO over Wells Fargo, started to loudly mock Bank of America . Stumpf reportedly said that Bank of America should change its name to the "Bank of Legal Settlements".

Some claim that Stumpf  said something derogatory about Moynihan's mama before the place exploded.

A bartender at the establishment stated, "It was pure chaos. All I saw was guys in suits throwing punches. They wrecked the place."

Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan supposedly hit Stumpf with a chair and proceeded to whip his ass.

Police broke up the fight and arrested over 20 individuals.

How Much Money Did Bank Of America Make?

Bank of America is reporting earnings for the second quarter on July 15, 2015. Let's hit the streets and ask regular investors to speculate on the results.

You Have To Play All Four Quarters

Bank of America's Stock vs. Vanguard's S&P 500 ETF (VOO)

F*ck the Talking Heads.

Greece Surrenders?

The gossip is flying. Greece may have surrendered to Bank of America. This is not verified, but it could explain why the markets are no longer concerned about the Greek Crisis.

According to the rumors, the Greek Prime Minister called Brian Moynihan and officially surrendered. What this means, I have no idea.

Will Greece change their name? Does Moynihan become King of Greece? Damn if I know.

Moynihan may be flying to Greece to sign an official peace treaty with the conquered country.

This is unprecedented. Moynihan has conquered the cradle of Western Civilization.

Wall Street Hires Witch Doctor To Stop BAC

A secret coalition of Wall Street groups and analysts have hired a witch doctor to put a hex on Bank of America.

A source, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed the unbelievable tale.

Why was the hex placed on Bank of America?

• Wall Street has always disliked Bank of America because of its roots to Charlotte, North Carolina. The New York crowd views BAC as a hillbilly bank.

• BAC shares have risen over 10% in three months. Most analysts did not call for this.

• The lawsuit era is over. BAC has no more major litigation to keep the stock pinned down.

• Brian Moynihan has turned out to be a very effective CEO. With his Boston connections and puzzling decision making, Moynihan is a force to be reckoned with. 

• Wall Street is terrified of July 15, 2015. This is the day that Bank of America will release second quarter earnings. Imagine if they were to report over $5 billion in profits.

When told about the story, Brian Moynihan laughed out loud and said that he would let the world in on a secret. "Wall Street can have their witch doctor and all his hocus pocus spells and charts. Bank of America has something even more powerful." Moynihan then proceeded to pull something from his pocket and said only one word,

"BOO!"

Did you hear something outside?