Bank of America Reports First Quarter Results (2015)

Bank of America reported that it actually made money in the first quarter of 2015. General Moynihan strutted on stage to address the masses that had gathered to see the historic event.

Black duffel bags, filled with cash, shared the stage with the overjoyed ceo.

Excerpt from Moynihan's speech

"Bank of America made $3.4 billion dollars. Do you b*tches even know how many zeroes are in a billion? Hell, I don't know either. This is why I brought the damn money with me. Look at it. Wall Street can kiss my a**. I am doing my job. I have brought home the bacon. All you non-believers can go f*ck yourselves."

Bank of America reported profits of $0.27 per share. Before exiting the stage, Moynihan grabbed a fistful of dollars from one of the duffel bags and screamed out, "I have a date with three expensive escorts tonight."

Linda Hudson, a member of the board of directors, was visibly shaken after the press conference.  Hudson stated, "Who the hell does he think he is? This was highly unusual. I have never seen anything like it in my entire career. Ken never acted like this."

BAC Army on the Move in March

General Moynihan was happy with his army's performance  during the month of March. The general was beaming with pride as he examined the data and stated,

"We only lost 3% in March. I was expecting a 50% loss. Damn, I am good."

The board of directors reaffirmed their faith in Moynihan's leadership.

Mr. Charles Gifford, former CEO of FleetBoston, urges everyone to include General Moynihan in their prayers before bed. "I have known Brian for many years and he has never served time in prison. That shows me his character. The S.O.B. saved us from a 50% collapse. We have the right man at the helm of this ship."


STATS: March 2015

Initial Price:    $15.81
Ending Price:  $15.39

Percent Loss: - 2.7%