Monday, November 28, 2016

Breaking News

Bank of America investors, employees, and management have launched an unprecedented campaign to put billionaire investor Warren Buffett in prison.

CEO Brian Moynihan,would only state, "Dark forces have aligned against my bank. I will defend shareholder value against any old coot who thinks he is above the law. That man has engaged in immoral behavior that has threatened the stability and future profits of my bank. This shall not stand on my watch."

Moynihan promised to provide more information at a later date.

The Board of Directors were being called for an emergency meeting at midnight.

Warren Buffett refused to comment on this story.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Making America Great Again

How do you know when the banks are back strong? Ask your local cocaine dealer and escort service how business has been lately. 

"I thought that I was the only one that knew to do that. They don't put that in the textbook."

Report from the Streets 

"Since Trump got elected, we can't keep product in stock. It's a madhouse out here. New cars and prostitutes as far as the eye can see. I would highly recommend bank stocks right now."

Sunday, November 13, 2016

When the Impossible becomes Possible

It seems like the entire planet has gone crazy this past week. Bank of America's stock value has increased and Donald J. Trump has done the impossible and won the Election of 2016.

Trump (red) proved the media wrong by taking Florida, Ohio, and North Carolina. The shock of the election is when Trump conquered Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan. The political establishment was in pure chaos.

Bank of America CEO, Brian Moynihan, wasted no time in congratulating President-elect Trump. Moynihan apologized for supporting Hillary Clinton and vowed to rally behind  the new President. "We made a mistake. We thought the witch was going to win. I promise you that I will never listen to those idiots in the media again."

Mr. Moynihan stated, "Bank of America will always be on the winning side. Even if we have to change sides during the contest or after."

The press badgered Moynihan to make a statement about Bank of America's skyrocketing stock price.

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug,"muttered Moynihan as he walked away.

Now what does that mean?

Friday, August 5, 2016

Love Bites

 BAC stock increased over three percent today and the rumor mill is swirling.

The Gossip

Brian and Janet have apparently made up after the inappropriate phone calls. According to sources, Mr. Moynihan  met up with Mrs. Yellen at his office in Boston.

The couple were spotted together by a janitor as he was returning his cleaning supplies to a closet.

Mr. Lamont said that he heard strange noises coming from the closet.

"I just stood there and listened for a minute; I didn't know what the hell was going on. I though some damn teenagers were in my supply closet playing that Pokemon crap. I jerked the door open and I saw both of them nasty bastards going at it like two old goats."