Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan has vowed that his company will beat Wells Fargo's numbers tomorrow.
Wells Fargo reported revenues of $21.3 billion for the second quarter of 2015.
Moynihan stated, "If we didn't make more money than those bastards at Wells Fargo, I will personally fire one hundred employees from accounting."
"I am tired of my bank being treated like a second class citizen. Wells Fargo is not even an American Bank. I love America. I was born here. Wells Fargo is a German Bank. They hate America. They hate Bank of America. And they really hate me," explained Moynihan.
Moynihan then claimed that John Stumpf, the CEO of Wells Fargo, is actually related to Adolf Hitler. "What kind of name is Stumpf? Who puts an "F" after a "P"? That is not an American name. After World War II, lots of them Nazis came to America and changed their names. I understand if you are hesitant to believe this. I am a man of science and reason. I would not make such accusations without having evidence. I have photos, said Moynihan. Only a blind man could deny the similarities."
"I am 32% certain that John Stumpf is related to Adolf Hitler," said Moynihan.
Who can argue with numbers like that?
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